Bipolar, PTSD, and Daily Life with Etsy, Uncategorized

A Whole Community of Rejected Parents of Adult Children!

Apparently there is an entire network of parents that are in similar situations as mine:

Rejected Parents Network

And a couple of books like this one!

DoneWithCryingBook

Get The Book Here!

Just had to get this out there today!

Thanks for reading!

Bipolar, PTSD, and Daily Life with Etsy, Uncategorized

The Words That Get Me By

My post concerning Mother’s Day must have hit a nerve somewhere. That’s all I’m going to say other than this is my response to the abusive and horrible things that my son said to me on Monday.

(BIG SURPRISE! He actually read my blog. That actually amuses me for some reason I do not understand. He has never wanted to actually know me, but he’s reading my blog? WTF?)

The words to this song got me through my divorce from his father, and continue to spur me on to this day. I do love it so. (Yes, I’m pissed off, can you tell?)

Godsmack – Keep Away

To hear the song on Lyrics.com : Godsmack – Keep Away

Sickness spilling through your eyes
Craving everything
That you thought was alive, yeah
Stab me yeah, in my heart again, ah yeah
Drag me through your wasted life
Are you forever dead?

Do like I told you
Stay away from me
Never misunderstand me
Keep away from me

Twistin' everything around that you say, yeah
Smack me in my mouth
200 times every other day
Oh, rag me, I don't hear you anymore, not yet
Find out what it means to me
I don't know who you are

Do like I told you
Stay away from me
Never misunderstand me
Keep away from me

Do like I told you
Stay away from me
Never misunderstand me

Draggin' on so lonely
Aren't you tired baby? Yeah
Breathing life into your lungs
Are you immune to me?

Do like I told you
Stay away from me
Never misunderstand me
Keep away from me

Do like I told you
Stay away from me
Never misunderstand me

Keep away from me, oh yeah
Never misunderstand me
Never misunderstand me
Never misunderstand me
Godsmack
Godsmack is an American heavy metal band from Lawrence, Massachusetts, formed in 1995. The band is composed of founder, frontman and songwriter Sully Erna, guitarist Tony Rombola, bassist Robbie Merrill, and drummer Shannon Larkin.

Judge me if you will, but this is my song for people that abuse and use me. It could be worse, I know some pretty violent ones – LOL.

Have A Fabulous Day! (I’m going to!)

Keep Smiling! They’re Contagious!

I-Have-Two-Moods-Dog-Meme Just thought this was cute and thought I’d add it for fun.

Bipolar, PTSD, and Daily Life with Etsy, Uncategorized

Mother’s Day Be Damned, I’m OK

Mother

Yes, I said that. Yes, I have three sons. No, we do not speak. Before you judge, that is MY decision, not theirs.

I have not mentioned my sons much in this blog for the very reason above: we no longer have a relationship. The two younger sons betrayed me. Publicly and on record. To the detriment of their Down Syndrome older brother. I tried to protect him and get him help from the awful living conditions that he was in living with his dad, and they betrayed not only me, but their brother as well.

This was not the first time that my sons have done similar type of things when it comes to me. They are apparently of the opinion that a person with Bipolar and PTSD is “unfit” and “incapable” of being there for her son with Down Syndrome. They have hidden the fact that they felt this way their entire lives. Until that day in court anyway. Fine. Whatever.

You know what? In my mind, that meant that they also find me “unfit” and “incapable” when it comes to being in their lives, or being a grandmother to my youngest son’s son. (Boy does that f*&%^*&g hurt – I was the first to hold that baby when he was born.) Again, Fine. Again, Whatever.

The entire time they were growing up I never got a gift, a card, or even so much as a freaking phone call or text. Not for Mother’s Day, my birthday, or just because. They only called when they wanted something, anything else was up to me. That was fine when they were young, they were kids. But they have been grown for years now. This year will be no different really. I’m OK with that, after all, I’ve had years of practice at being ignored, used, and abused. I’m done with it.

But when it is our own kids that betray us, we are ‘supposed’ to forgive them. (I put supposed in quotes because that is what society expects us to do.) We are judged very harshly, especially as women, if we do not communicate regularly with our offspring. WHY IS THAT???

The pain of being betrayed by anyone is bad, but what to do when your own son looks you in the eye, under oath, in front of many witnesses, and lies and then just destroys you simply because they were upset about an unrelated matter?

What do you do as a parent? What do you do as an individual being attacked in such a manner? How do you defend yourself to people that have heard nothing but bullshit from their father and his family for their entire life? People that refuse to even listen to your words, much less believe them, even though they are the God’s honest truth?

How do you cope when the mere thought of it all just makes you want to revert back to being suicidal because it is so ridiculously hopeless? You protect yourself, that’s how.

I don’t know how others handle this type of situation, but, after that day in court, I told my sons that, since I am so “unfit”, they can just forget I even exist. I mean really, if I am so “unfit” for their brother, then I must be “unfit” for them too, it is only logical. I told them not to call, or write, or text, unless it was an emergency, and then it should be by registered mail or Red Cross. That day in court proved to me that, in the future, I will need proof of any further communications with them. Yes folks, it was THAT bad.

I stood alone that day. No lawyer, no family, no friends. In a state I hadn’t lived in in 20 years fighting for the protection of my oldest son, the betrayal I felt that day almost destroyed me. I spent about 3 days in a deep depression before I came out fighting mad and determined as hell.

I basically reverted to my military training here. Adapt and overcome. YEE-fu$&ing-HAW!!

Judge me if you must, but I am a happier woman without having them in my life. I took my life back from people that abuse, use and are generally not good for me, and unfortunately at this time, that includes my own sons.

My heart aches for them every single day, never doubt that. My very soul is missing it’s center without the love of the very people I lived for all those years, but I will push through. I would literally give up everything I’ve ever had for things to be different, but they aren’t. And wishing won’t make it so.

I am in full self protection mode where they are concerned now, and I will stay there. Someday, a very long time from now, maybe things will change. But then again, I know myself all too well, I may not ever forgive. I am not God, nor am I even remotely God-like, I do not have it in me to forgive as easily as some do. I’m not sure that I even want to. Honestly, every time I have forgiven, I have gotten screwed again, so why would I?

I am doomed to forever be the Mother without Children on Mother’s Day.

Please go hug your Mom! She loves you more than you will ever know.

Bipolar, PTSD, and Daily Life with Etsy, Uncategorized

Manic High or Real Happiness?

joy

I’m not one of those people that believe you can choose to be happy and it will work for you. I have Bipolar and PTSD, happiness has been elusive to me since my dad died when I was 6 years old. It is simply something I never thought I would find.

That being said, for the last ten years, since my husband and I have been together, I have been steadily growing into a happier individual. I give most of the credit for this to my amazing husband, Shannon. But not all of it.  I’m not one to rest my entire existence on one individual. Life taught me that.

The rest of the credit goes to my taking back of my life in October of 2018.  In October, there was a major occurrence that set me back on my heels and rocked my miserable little world in a horrible way.  I am still unable to talk (or write) about it, but maybe someday.

Anyway, I decided not to let the people involved affect my life or happiness anymore. And I refuse to allow myself to feel sorry about it either. That part is tough, but I’m tougher!

I decided to be in control of my own happiness and not to let the people that have historically made me miserable do it anymore. There will be no new people that make me feel this way either, I will no longer allow it. Know why? Because I don’t have to, that why!

Guess what? It worked!!! Since then, I have been slowly letting them go and gaining in confidence and happiness. My shop is doing well this year, due to all of the extra incentive, my husband and are doing great in our relationship, and my relationship with my sisters has never been stronger.  I can actually say that happiness is wonderful!!!

No, this is NOT a manic episode. For me, those manic highs only ever lasted a few hours or a day or two at a time. This has been months now, and I am still getting better, and have mostly happier times, days, and thoughts.

My dreams still suck, I still have the intruding thoughts and occasional blow ups, and I still have issues leaving the house alone, but they are not as bad, and I can handle them better now than ever before.

For someone with mental health issues, being able to handle our issues, really is the key to happiness isn’t it?

Have a Fabulous Day!

Don’t Forget To Smile!! They’re Contagious!!

Bipolar, PTSD, and Daily Life with Etsy, Uncategorized

How Many People Are You?

It’s a commonly known fact that people have different sides of themselves that they show during different parts of their lives. We all have different sides to our personality that we show in different situations. Our behavior may be different in small groups as opposed to larger groups, or we are different at work than at home with family and friends. This is all perfectly ‘normal’ according to the mental health profession.

However, what if that change is so abrupt, opposite, and sudden, that you never know who you are going to be from one minute to the next? Oh, I don’t mean people like Sybill with actual diagnosed Multiple Personality Disorder, which is exceedingly rare, but I mean changes so severe that sure seems like the sides of you deserve different names.

For instance, My Bipolar Mind can be doing just fine, be-bopping along listening to tunes and, all of a sudden, one of ‘those songs’ comes on. You know the type, full of memories, pain, anger, sadness, whatever emotions you feel the strongest, and BAM! you are suddenly that angry person full of hate again. Or maybe you are having a really lousy day, and a simple thing like a meme from the internet, or a silly commercial, dumb news story, just anything changes everything for you, and the proverbial sun comes out and shines on your little world, causing it to suddenly be all rainbows and butterflies. Sound familiar?

Most doctors and therapists will still say that this type of thing perfectly ‘normal’ for any person. That is, until I tell them how often in any given day that this happens to me. Hundreds folks. Seriously. I am all over the board on any given day. Medications and mood stabilizers be damned. One minute I am all shits and grins, laughing and joking, and the next I am crying and desperate to find a reason to keep living, and after that, I simply want to go out and hurt those that hurt me. Not good. There are lots of them, my mind is too dangerous to allow this train of thought to go on for long.

Never knowing what is going to affect you in what way can be a really tough way to live, I gotta tell you! One minute, I love people and wish nothing but goodness for the World, and the next I want to be in a tower with high powered rifle, picking people off one at a time, until someone shoots me. One minute, I’m a staunch conservative, the next I am all liberal and mushy. One minute I want to go out into the world and do things and go places and interact with people, the next I want nothing more than to hide in my house away from everyone and everything, and then I’m back again. Or am I?

Which one is ‘The Real Me”? Well, all of them I guess. They are all a part of what makes me, me. It is my normal.

Coping

I have found ways to help! I have spent the last few years taking note of what things, songs, pictures, memes, stories, etc. that seem to lift my mood and keep my personality heading in the right direction, even during the darkest times. I keep these things in my phone, laptop, and even some on paper to carry with me. I use them when I need them the most. When the darkest parts of me come forward and peek their ugly, violent heads out of the pitch black of my soul. I use them like some people use good luck charms, protection amulets, or religious artifacts. I even have recorded movies (mostly old westerns) that I like to put in when this happens.

Here are a few of my favorite memes:

WARNING!! ADULT HUMOR FOLLOWING!!!

 

I have no idea how to add an actual video here yet, but here is a link to the absolute MOST HILARIOUSLY FUNNY VIDEO EVER!! If you love babies laughing (who doesn’t?) and dogs (if you don’t, don’t watch). This video will have you rolling in laughter with tears running! I kid you not. This one NEVER fails.

Best Baby and Dog Video Ever

These items are intended to keep me safely insulated from anything that might influence my emotions and/or behavior. In essence, they keep the outside world out. When I feel ‘out of sorts’, as mother would put it, I simply refer to one of these ever growing lists of items that I have come to rely on heavily for support. (I spend 99% of my time in just the company of dogs, so it became increasingly hard over time to share anything with humans, so that I rarely do now.)

Maybe this isn’t quite the way my Psychiatrist would recommend dealing with these sudden and abrupt personality changes, but it works for me. Almost every time. I am only human, sometimes I just want to wallow in my own misery for a while, and I do allow this for the purposes of self examination, but not often, it’s much too hard to crawl out of even these little pot-holes on some days.

These days, and nights, anything at all that can make one smile is a good thing no matter what the reason for it.

Have a Wonderful, and Wonder-Filled Day!

Don’t Forget To Smile! They’re Contagious!

Bipolar, PTSD, and Daily Life with Etsy

Who can you call upon? — michellesandersonptsd

This Blogger, Michelle Anderson, has hit the nail on the head when it comes to feelings of being alone in the world at our darkest times, along with excellent advice and links to charities that can help.

Definitely worth a Follow!

 

Having just learnt of the passing of Ellie Souter, and finding out yesterday that not only did the love island star Sophie tragically take her own life, but so did her boyfriend and 2 of his friends, I felt compelled to write this. Sometimes in life you just feel stuck, wondering where you fit into […]

via Who can you call upon? — michellesandersonptsd

Bipolar, PTSD, and Daily Life with Etsy, Jewelry

A Good Start to April?

20190314_115145
Taken on a back road drive with my sister, Jackie. I love when we get to do this together.

I woke up this morning on a high note! Oh boy! The beginning of a new day, a new month, new possibilities…..yup, a manic high. I have all kinds of plans for today. I made a ton of jewelry this past weekend and need to get photos, and I need to catch up on the house cleaning, (all the jewelry making and I got not housework done). Plus a million other things that I need to get done that I’ve been putting off.

I know that I won’t get to them all, that sometime this afternoon there will be ‘crash’, and I will just lose all energy and ability to do anything. So of course, I will try to get it all done as early as possible. Notice I said ‘try’. I am never completely caught up on the housework, but I do my best.

My husband, S, is very understanding of all this, and he rarely complains. He also does help take up the slack by doing the laundry, for which I am forever grateful. He washes and dries the clothes, and leaves the rest to me. That’s where the back-up is. After his shower, he got dressed for work and was so wrinkled from them being piled up, that he looked like a vagabond! I have a massive pile that I need to fold and put away and hang up. Today, I am going to get that done. (I feel like, if I put it in this blog, I’ll force myself to do it. [wink!])

When 2019 started, I made up my mind to let go of the years of miserable, deep, depression and live better. For me, and for my marriage. After last year, my marriage and my relationship with my sisters, and my best friend, is all I have left. I lost everyone else that ever meant anything to me. Some my fault, some not.

I still have the occasional bad day, but when that happens, I dive into my Etsy shop CathysCraftyDesigns on Etsy . Whether I start making jewelry, researching new trends, taking photos, or promoting on the social sites, I keep busy until it passes. It has worked every time so far!! This, plus my daily meds, and I can get through this life as a relatively ‘happy’ person I think.

Have a Wonderful, and Wonder-Filled Day!

Don’t Forget To Smile! They’re Contagious!

Bipolar, PTSD, and Daily Life with Etsy, Jewelry, Uncategorized

Etsy Every Day!

Shop Post SAVENOW

Some folks think that being on disability means being lazy, sleeping late every day, and watching TV all day. Not for me. No way. Not again. I did do that for a little while, all it did was lead me into a deep, dark pit of depression that took major drugs, therapy, and a long time to crawl back out of. I’m still struggling of course, but that’s ‘normal’ for my bipolar mind.

Good Morning!

My days usually start around 5am, when I get up with my husband and get our day rolling. He gets ready for work while I feed the animals and get them all settled for the morning. I then begin my computer work on this blog and my Etsy shop promotions for the morning, entering new items, preparing packages to go out, all the little details. I have no real time limit for this stage, I just keep going until I feel it’s enough.

As Daylight Approaches

Once I have enough natural light to work with, I start either making new items, or taking pictures of what I already have ready to go. (I have a bit of back up of items here, I keep several things in reserve for when I have a bad few weeks and can’t seem to make anything new – I still have items to add) Of course, making new items is my favorite part, but the rest has to be done too.

Housework Breaks

My hands are in pretty rough shape so I have to take regular breaks from detail or computer work quite often. During these moments is when I get the little things throughout the house that need to be done. Straightening and picking up, floors, dishes, laundry, whatever needs doing. I keep motivated by telling myself that I can’t go back to my ‘Etsy job’ until these things get done. Without that motivation, nothing would get done at all.

Marketing Times

I share my items and promote others about three to four times daily. I will get online and send out a few posts of my own across several social media accounts and then promote others on those same sites. I do this in the early morning, around midday, late afternoon, and again later in the early evening time. I don’t usually spend a long time doing this, just around 15-30 minutes each time. Doing this so often each day (during the week anyway), ensures that, if I do need to miss a time for whatever reason, the next time isn’t far away and I can catch up then. I also use a pre-scheduling app that sends out my post automatically if I set them up ahead of time (too easy!).

Follow me on Twitter!

Follow me on Instagram!

Follow me on Pinterest!

Follow me on Facebook!

Put That on a Resume!

Being such a small, one person shop has it’s drawbacks and it’s advantages. For one thing, I do have to do everything myself. My work history and education was in accounting and computers, thank goodness! From making the jewelry to actually listing and promoting it, shipping it, and doing the bookkeeping, I do it all. I am artist/designer, photographer, computer expert, accounting, and marketing all in one.  Put that on a resume!

To sum it up, Etsy is my way of coping I guess, my reason to keep going everyday. Sales or no sales, I love it.  I have only had 25 sales so far this year, but I don’t expect, nor really want to get rich.  I have a couple of major projects that I am working on, a collaboration with another blogger involving a custom jewelry set, and I’m also working on my first eBook, but my passion is the jewelry.

Have a Wonderful, and Wonder-Filled Day!

Don’t Forget to Smile! They’re Contagious!

Bipolar, PTSD, and Daily Life with Etsy, Music

My Graveyard of Broken Dreams

GraveyardofDream

Attempting to stay positive in all of these blog posts can be difficult on bad days. For instance, today, all I want to do is drown in my favorite songs.

Songs like “Graveyard” by The Devil Makes Three

I wanna tell you a story,

Ain’t got no characters in it but me.

I wanna sing you a sad song,

Most of it I don’t expect you to believe.

It starts off just whisky and wine,

On some miles of travel and some real good times.

But it ends in a dark corridor,

Where there ain’t no windows and there ain’t no doors.

 

Well that’s me.

Just a drinkin’ off this bottle and a driftin’ out to see.

Oh that’s me.

Just a sittin’ here starin’ and a shakin’ like a leaf,

Well that’s me.

Just a leanin’ on my shovel in this graveyard of dreams.

Oh that’s me.

Just a leanin’ on my shovel in this graveyard of dreams.

 

I wanna take you to a shipwreck,

A thousand miles underneath the black sea.

It looks like everybody’s sleepin’,

But look close, they are dead indeed.

 

I wanna lead you to an armchair,

Deep back in the files of my mind.

I wanna sit you in a candles light,

Where I’ve been spendin’ all of my time.

 

Well that’s me.

Just a drinkin’ off this bottle, is it drinkin’ off of me?

Now that’s me.

Just a sittin’ here starin’ and a shakin’ like a leaf,

Well that’s me.

Just a leanin’ on my shovel in this graveyard of dreams.

Oh that’s me.

Just a leanin’ on my shovel in this graveyard of dreams.

“Graveyard” by The Devil Makes Three – 2011

Music has always been a big part of my way of dealing with my emotions, identifying with others, and just a really good general coping aid for life’s ups and downs. There is always a song that fits, right? To identify with the emotions behind a song is not rare for me. There are many songs that I listen to to lift my mood, or get me moving on a tough day.

However, this song resonates in my very soul. The music behind the lyrics is soft, serene and almost hypnotic, while the lyrics are heart-wrenchingly real and palpable. I feel this song in a way that I rarely feel others. It is a perfect description of my average daily life. Dark corridors, no windows or doors, staring and shaking…..yup, that’s me.

Do you have a song or band that really resonates with you? I love to hear it! Let’s share some tunes!!

Have a Wonderful, and Wonder-Filled Day!

Don’t Forget to Smile! They’re Contagious!

Bipolar, PTSD, and Daily Life with Etsy, Jewelry

How Etsy Helps on a Daily Basis

Getting up everyday and getting going can be tough when in the grip of any mental health issue. Depression, anxiety, loss of interest, lack of energy, physical pain, just a myriad of symptoms that want to keep us in bed all day every day.

Etsy has become my reason to get up in the morning every day. When I opened my shop, in 2014, I was in the grip of serious depression and needed an escape. Putting my time and energy into my shop gave me that escape, it gave me something to think about other than the bad memories that led me to where I am now. I threw myself into it with everything I had.

My Etsy shop Cathy’s Crafty Designs on Etsy – Handmade and Vintage Jewelry

I now get out of bed without an issue on most days. The need to get up and promote my shop, promote others, make and list new items, and yes, even interacting with other online sellers and customers (this took some time to do, anxiety here was tough to beat, but I did it!). I now have some lasting friendships and relations with people all over the world that are interested in the same things that I am!

When I start feeling bad about something, or the memories start to creep in unwanted, I simply get online and promote, get my jewelry makings out, or anything at all involving my Etsy store, and I can get through the bad moments a little easier. I suppose it is simply a matter of distracting myself with something I love to do.

The days when getting up for just myself doesn’t seem to be working, I remind myself of all the people on Twitter (I now have over 12k followers) that expect me there every morning to retweet and promote, and all the other folks on other social media that hear from me daily.

I have deliberately made myself a schedule that includes promoting others every single day, as well as promoting my own items, so that I have that inspiration and responsibility to others to keep me motivated and getting up and moving every day. It has helped tremendously!

Of course, selling on Etsy, or any other platform, isn’t for everyone. If you don’t want to be that ‘involved’, no problem! Just choose any hobby that can distract you, anything to keep you motivated. You could even just sit and read books to do reviews for the authors!! I have actually gotten two requests to do this just recently! Which can be an amazing escape from your own issues!

Maybe even make your mental health issues your hobby! Write a daily blog, join some support groups, put yourself into promoting proper mental health, or maybe animal cruelty, or climate change, or racism, just anything that you can “sink your teeth into” so to speak. Something that really fires up your inner self.

Have a Wonderful, and Wonder-Filled Day!

Don’t Forget to Smile! They’re Contagious!