Yes, I said that. Yes, I have three sons. No, we do not speak. Before you judge, that is MY decision, not theirs.
I have not mentioned my sons much in this blog for the very reason above: we no longer have a relationship. The two younger sons betrayed me. Publicly and on record. To the detriment of their Down Syndrome older brother. I tried to protect him and get him help from the awful living conditions that he was in living with his dad, and they betrayed not only me, but their brother as well.
This was not the first time that my sons have done similar type of things when it comes to me. They are apparently of the opinion that a person with Bipolar and PTSD is “unfit” and “incapable” of being there for her son with Down Syndrome. They have hidden the fact that they felt this way their entire lives. Until that day in court anyway. Fine. Whatever.
You know what? In my mind, that meant that they also find me “unfit” and “incapable” when it comes to being in their lives, or being a grandmother to my youngest son’s son. (Boy does that f*&%^*&g hurt – I was the first to hold that baby when he was born.) Again, Fine. Again, Whatever.
The entire time they were growing up I never got a gift, a card, or even so much as a freaking phone call or text. Not for Mother’s Day, my birthday, or just because. They only called when they wanted something, anything else was up to me. That was fine when they were young, they were kids. But they have been grown for years now. This year will be no different really. I’m OK with that, after all, I’ve had years of practice at being ignored, used, and abused. I’m done with it.
But when it is our own kids that betray us, we are ‘supposed’ to forgive them. (I put supposed in quotes because that is what society expects us to do.) We are judged very harshly, especially as women, if we do not communicate regularly with our offspring. WHY IS THAT???
The pain of being betrayed by anyone is bad, but what to do when your own son looks you in the eye, under oath, in front of many witnesses, and lies and then just destroys you simply because they were upset about an unrelated matter?
What do you do as a parent? What do you do as an individual being attacked in such a manner? How do you defend yourself to people that have heard nothing but bullshit from their father and his family for their entire life? People that refuse to even listen to your words, much less believe them, even though they are the God’s honest truth?
How do you cope when the mere thought of it all just makes you want to revert back to being suicidal because it is so ridiculously hopeless? You protect yourself, that’s how.
I don’t know how others handle this type of situation, but, after that day in court, I told my sons that, since I am so “unfit”, they can just forget I even exist. I mean really, if I am so “unfit” for their brother, then I must be “unfit” for them too, it is only logical. I told them not to call, or write, or text, unless it was an emergency, and then it should be by registered mail or Red Cross. That day in court proved to me that, in the future, I will need proof of any further communications with them. Yes folks, it was THAT bad.
I stood alone that day. No lawyer, no family, no friends. In a state I hadn’t lived in in 20 years fighting for the protection of my oldest son, the betrayal I felt that day almost destroyed me. I spent about 3 days in a deep depression before I came out fighting mad and determined as hell.
I basically reverted to my military training here. Adapt and overcome. YEE-fu$&ing-HAW!!
Judge me if you must, but I am a happier woman without having them in my life. I took my life back from people that abuse, use and are generally not good for me, and unfortunately at this time, that includes my own sons.
My heart aches for them every single day, never doubt that. My very soul is missing it’s center without the love of the very people I lived for all those years, but I will push through. I would literally give up everything I’ve ever had for things to be different, but they aren’t. And wishing won’t make it so.
I am in full self protection mode where they are concerned now, and I will stay there. Someday, a very long time from now, maybe things will change. But then again, I know myself all too well, I may not ever forgive. I am not God, nor am I even remotely God-like, I do not have it in me to forgive as easily as some do. I’m not sure that I even want to. Honestly, every time I have forgiven, I have gotten screwed again, so why would I?
I am doomed to forever be the Mother without Children on Mother’s Day.
Please go hug your Mom! She loves you more than you will ever know.